Of course he's here. Anytime there's a chance for an immature little boy to play dress up, he's there in his silly makeup and whining about how much "the real world" is mean to him. So it seems the creepy unshaven pervert who tried to molest me a while back has convinced Doned to wear makeup and offer "Happy Ending Meals" at a seedy restaurant. Yeah, this is going to end well.
Part of me wants to head over there right now and slap that stupid lipstick right off Doned's face and drag him back to our world, but you know what? Screw him. I'm tired of bailing him out all the time. I'm not going to warn him about the pervert he works with/for. If he wants to find himself on a daytime talk show with a heart-wrenching tale and a haunted, thousand-yard stare, then more power to him. I'm sure he'll make millions when he sells the rights to the movie based on his life.
If anyone else I know shows up, I'm just gonna scream.
- Motherf#%*&ing Doned
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marchemallow- June 11th, 2011
- Slowest. Intro. Ever.
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- marchemallow
- May 15th, 2011
Seriously, I used to think that FF12 took awhile to build up steam, but it's practically Grand Theft Auto 3 when compared to Mallboro 2. It's been like, two weeks and nothing has happened yet.
Anyway, by my request, the Esthar military agreed to get Hope off the top of Lunatic Pandora. I thought he'd be happy to come down from there, but he got it into his head that he was going to somehow learn to pilot LP and use it to take over the world. Well, the Esthar military doesn't have much of a sense of humor, and they know that Lunatic Pandora CAN be piloted and theoretically CAN be used to take over the world, so they weren't talking any chances. Dunno if Hope was trying to make a joke or something, but the only one laughing as he got dragged away in handcuffs was me. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Even though I just saved his ass, Hope started yelling and hollering at me for laughing at him. I guess this means we aren't going to be friends anytime soon. It's probably a good thing, since I haven't finished FF13 yet. He'd probably tell me a bunch of spoilers by accident.
I'll skim through the next few days of my life. Found a portal, ended up in a desert, went to a tower, tower had food, waited for a bus, the bus came, ended up at what looks like the beginnings of a new mall. People were handing out brochures for the four local cities and I read up on my options. Honestly, they all sound like crap though. My choices are: Slumdog Millionaire Land, Lord of the Rings Land, Harry Potter Land, and Logan's Run Land. Not exactly appealing options. I think I'll hang out around the mall construction site for awhile.
- Hey! I'm useful!
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- marchemallow
- May 6th, 2011
And all this time my teachers, parents, friends, and guidance counselors told me that playing every Final Fantasy game ever multiple times would rot my brain and damn me to a life working in fast food. Now that I'm actually in Final Fantasy, all my obsessive stat-crunching and memorization has turned from a hobby to a practical life skill. It's weird, but awesome.
Last time I was here I was kind of a jerk and I spent most of my time trying to test the limits of the AI to see if I could glitch the game into giving me a nude code or something. This time, I think I shall use my powers ONLY FOR GOOD and see if I have more fun that way. I guess I'm stuck in the sequel to Mallboro 1 or something, because the world broke apart and everyone's scattered. Seems like a typical way to kick off a Part 2. I've been trying to help some people by giving advice and directions. Somehow it almost feels like cheating. It's like playing through a game a second time, and you know everything already without anyone having to tell you.
Anyway, it seems like Hope is the only person besides myself who got stuck in FF8, so I've been working on a way to get him down from Lunatic Pandora. In exchange for a little errand-running, the Shumi lent me a little boat that I used to get to Trabia, where I did some more errands and got a better boat which I used to get to FH, and then from FH I made a straight shot to Esthar. They didn't trust me at first, but I knew a bunch of stuff about Squall and his friends, and about Laguna too, so now we're all buddy-buddy here in Esthar. We've got a plan to get Hope down, so it shouldn't be long before he's rescued. After that, we're probably going to look for a portal off this world. 8 has never been my favorite, but the fact that the monsters adjust to your level has been a lifesaver so far, because I'm really out of shape.
I think I might stick around Mallboro 2 for awhile.
- Dudes, what the hell?
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- marchemallow
- May 3rd, 2011
I totally quit your silly little game like, years ago, NORG. You can't bring me back. I remember being all like, "pretending to work is no fun," and I went home. And just today, I was in my own world (the real world), mackin' on this totally hot chick and I was about to make my move and now I'm in the friggin' Shumi Village.
...Okay, I wasn't mackin' on a chick. I was playing Final Fantasy 7 again. But I was mackin' on Barret, trying to get his affection for me really high so that I can ride the gondola with him. I've already gotten Aeris, Tifa, and Yuffie in previous playthroughs and Barret is the last one I have to get. I'm not gay or anything, just a completionist. Shut up.
But yeah, it's been like, a friggin hour and a half since I last saved my game. If my mom turns off my playstation before I get back and I have to go through Cosmo Canyon again, I will friggin kill you, NORG. I hate Cosmo Canyon so much. The whole sequence is way too damn long, and I hate that Red XIII is forced into your party. I never use him, so he always has crappy stats and crappy limit breaks.
Oh right, back to real life. Right now I'm stuck in Final Fantasy 8, in the Shumi Village like I said. Of course, I end up getting stuck in one of the useless secondary areas in FF8. I don't even know why the Shumi Village exists. Just to show where they all live? There aren't even any good side quests here. "Run around and find some rocks and we'll give you a useless item." Wheeha.
I just wanna leave, but I hear that the portals between worlds are closed right now. Anyone want to hang out with me in the Shumi Village? Or... spot me 5000 gil so I can use the ultima draw point? Anyone?
- Homesick
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- marchemallow
- November 24th, 2009
Stupid NORG. Stupid NORG and his stupid... stuff.
I travel to yet another alternate-final-fantasy-reality and instead of spending all my time going on quests and joining a clan to do awesome stuff, I sleep on a couch in a mall while NORG harasses me about getting a job. All the cool stuff like weapons and magic are banned, and on the rare occasion that things get interesting, I always end up getting my ass kicked.
Anyway, all this "childhood memory" stuff has been making me homesick. I've never really liked the idea of living in a fantasy world, especially not a fantasy world that's so damn close to reality. So I think I'm going to head home now. Maybe I'll stick around long enough to play out the blitz tourney, but maybe not. It's not like any of this is real after all.
Maybe I'll come back someday when I'm in the mood to pretend that I work for minimum wage at a mall. Don't see that happening though.
Bye all.
- My head asplode
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- marchemallow
- November 17th, 2009
So after a ton of effort, I managed to rig up a jumbo sized couch over the only entrance to the Couch Emporium. I had ropes and pulleys and by pulling a strategically placed device, I could drop the big bastard onto anyone I saw as a threat. And the nifty thing was, I could reset the trap in a few moments and be ready again.But noooo.... couldn't be that easy. I saw Emperor Gestahl making for the entrance, so I readied my trap. Maybe he wanted to buy a couch, or maybe he was looking for an "easy" kill, but I wasn't going to take a chance either way. Unfortunately, I miscalculated on the device. Turns out there's about a two second delay from when I trip it to when the couch actually falls. Luckily, Gestahl was slow getting inside the store, so he was still under the trap. But by that time, another customer who was exiting the store walked out, and my couch crushed them both, killing them instantly. Moments later, my collar exploded, since I killed a customer.
Despite being messy, it's not such a terrible way to die. It's about as close to instantaneous as possible. Anyway, I'm out of the game. Guess I'll go... ummm.....
Uhhh.......
Errr......
Wander around, I guess.....
- What? Me too?
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- marchemallow
- November 16th, 2009
I don't even work here, damn it! I dunno... I guess NORG is getting upset that I haven't actually gotten a job yet. Maybe this is his way of getting back at me?
Well, whatever. I'm stuck with a radio collar like everyone else. I'm not terribly interested in winning the game, but I would like to not die, so I'm going to hole up in the Couch Emporium and hope that people get too distracted killing each other to remember that I exist. I would have liked to take this opportunity to show everyone that I am not a pushover and that I can defend myself, but all the Human job classes I mastered require me to use swords or bows or magic, all of which are banned. Also Jecht seems to be hoarding his good equipment, so that's out of the question.
So I think I'm just going to rig up the Emporium with traps and such, in case anyone comes looking for me. I've already got the fire escape rigged up with a falling couch trap. Maybe not fatal, but it'll definitely wake you up. I'm also going to be rather wary of the food I eat. Poison would be such a nasty way to go...
- Damn this puberty....
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- marchemallow
- August 8th, 2009
I really hope that whoever runs the couch emporium where I sleep doesn't read LJ posts. Actually, I hope that anyone mentioned or affected by the comments I'm about to make won't read this. But seeing as how owning an LJ account is practically mandatory here, I doubt that I'll be so lucky. I probably should lock this, but... meh. Whatever. If things get too awkward, I'll just go home. I finally found the entrance between Mallboro and my world (due to all that legal stuff) so I'm just here for fun at this point.
Anyway, as my title suggests, puberty has followed me into this FF world. Kudos to the programmers, I guess, for being really freaking thorough. Thanks, guys.
Since I don't have a job or a life here at Mallboro, I've been spending tons of time practicing blitz (by the way, my drug tests all came back negative. Not even so much as a trace of cough syrup, so you all can leave me alone now). Well.. that water is rather warm. And the girls.... jeez... some of the things they wear. So I'm in a pool with a bunch of fantasy girls (literally) who aren't wearing too much and I find myself getting the ball and hoping to get tackled. Once three girls attacked at once, and all I could think was, "YESSSSSSSS!"
But then things got ugly, cause my shorts aren't tight at all and..... well. Some people asked why I kept crossing my legs or curling into a ball. I claimed I had a cramp....
And it's not just blitz anymore. I've ruined a couple of couches at the emporium now. I flipped the cushions over so hopefully no one would notice. But still! If this is what puberty is going to be like for the next few years, I think I'll just dig a hole and live there for 5... 10 years.
Sheesh....
- This world is NOTHING like Phoenix Wright
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- marchemallow
- August 3rd, 2009
Well... I thought there might be some similarities. You know, video game world, video game courtroom, right? Actually Mallboro's court system is a lot like the real world court system. You can't just stand up and say, " OBJECTION!" to everything.
As it turns out, I was only being indicted, so there was absolutely no reason for me to be shouting "Objection!" all the time anyway. But it was kinda fun, so I kept at it.
Oh yeah... the story. So it took awhile, but eventually I managed to get my birth certificate and whatnot and I proved that I was a minor and that I couldn't be sued. SOOoooooo there was this big process trying to find my parents so that THEY could be sued for negligence or something. So I had to wait around for THAT to go through. But then the whole thing hit a huge snag when the prosecutors realized that my parents only MIGHT exist. You see, they aren't personified well enough to be tried in Mallboro's criminal court. So as far as Mallboro is concerned, my parents don't really exist and can't be tried.
It's... really weird... but cool.
So they threw the whole case out and warned me not to get into any shenanigans again (yes, the judge actually said, "shenanigans"). Long story short, I'M FREE BAHAHAHAHA!!!!
I've got plans to submit myself to rigorous drug screening. The blitz season is coming up and I need these false accusations to go away.
- Scandal!
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- marchemallow
- July 23rd, 2009
Aw crap. Life sucks.
So while the rest of the blitz tournament stars are signing autographs and getting mobbed by fans and having babies named after them, I'm trying not to get put in jail. Why? Because apparently I'm too good a blitz player for my own good. After my debut match there were whispers and rumors, but sometime before the final match someone finally came out and said it.
"THAT KID'S USING PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS!"
And I'm not! There are plenty of freakishly strong children in this world, so why single out me? Anyway, the loss in the final game might be my fault. We only lost by a point and I think I probably could have at least scored one goal, but I was holding back so that people would stop the accusations. In the end I got screwed up the butt twice for all my efforts. Not only did we lose but people still think I'm using performance enhancing drugs. Look at me! There are no damn steroids in my body. You can tell by the fact that last week I was mistaken for a girl!!!! What more proof do you people need?
But nooooOOOoooo. People kept nagging and digging and accusing and then finally someone realized that I had been to the hospital so then the hospital came under fire and then it came out that I had stolen someone else's insurance to pay for my healthcare. The family was notified and now they want to crucify me. You'd think parents of a kid who's about to die would, you know, be less eager for murder.
BUT NO!
I hate my life...
